There have been quite a few people as of late that feel the need to point out to me that even though I sometimes write beautiful, profound poetry, I tend to ruin all that profundity with articles about doggy poop and farts and such things. Even though on the surface that might seem to be a logical assessment (that my spiritual side is compromised by my gutterish observations), I think my critics are missing a vital truth into their equation: it’s ok to talk about profane things, as long as I don’t step on God’s good toes.
I mean, think about it. We all have to expel feces from our anus, right? Sometimes it comes out normal, sometimes you need a shoehorn, and sometimes you need some duct tape and a cork. That’s a part of life. I’m just voicing what every one of you experience on a daily basis, but are too modest to chat about it. Here’s an example: It was so cold this morning that when I was outside I felt something roll down my leg. When I took it inside and warmed it up, it was a fart. Now, we all fart, right? I know, some of you ladies think you fart fairy glitter and it sounds like rainbow laughter. I’m just taking the obvious and setting it on a platter for anyone to see. The very fact you’re reading this tells me there’s a part of you that can’t wait until I drag out my next ribalderism (I just made that word up – you may use it sparingly). I don’t care how prudish and Puritanical we are, there’s still a little child within us yearning for a little potty talk.
There’s nothing wrong with having a sense of humor, especially if you’re a religious or spiritual sort. God has a sense of humor, so you can, too. Look at the duckbill platypus. Look at men. God gives him hair, then takes it away. God once told Abraham and Sara that they were going to have a baby and Abraham fell on his face laughing because he was over one hundred and she was over ninety years old (Genesis 17:15-19). The laugh was on then, though. They even named their son Isaac, which means “He laughs”. Did you know that God sometimes sits on His throne in Heaven and laughs at us? (Psalm 59:9) Why not? We do some pretty stupid things. Once while living in Michigan I went out to get the morning paper in my bathrobe but when I tried to get back in I found the door locked. Well, of course it was winter and below zero. I actually heard God laugh. Well, it may have been my wife or my dog or the neighbors, but I definitely heard laughter.
I think what tweaks some folks’ nose out of joint is the nature of my humor. Evidently it’s believed that toiletry matters should be kept in the water closet. It’s kind of hard to do when the minister is wearing a microphone and goes to the bathroom before the service without turning it off. I never knew such sounds could come out of a human being. That must have been the proverbial ‘Holy Shit’. And don’t look at me all righteous because I used the word ‘shit’. Paul used it in Philippians 3:8. If you read it you’ll probably see the word ‘dung’ or ‘rubbish,’ but the original word he used was ‘skubala,’ which is Greek for ‘shit.’ Look it up if you don’t believe me. And there’s nothing wrong in using it either. If you’ve ever change a six month old’s diaper, you’re liable to find something that can only be called shit. If you’ve ever been in a car wreck, you’ve probably used the Holy version of it, too, right before the collision. It’s commonly known in automobile accident circles that first you say it, then you do it.
I could go on forever on the subject of profanity and profundity. I might even make it a Master’s degree thesis. I don’t know what field that would be in, other than English or Biology, but it would make for a fascinating read. The fact of the matter is that you can’t have extremes unless someone actually goes out there and pushes the envelope. You may even thank me for bringing up turds, boogers, cat butts and armpit sweat. It’s all part of living, isn’t it? I have to cut this article short because my bladder is the size of Montana, and every time I type the letter ‘P’ I leak (damned water pills). It mixes with my skid marks and makes life very uncomfortable.