Pokemon GO

Last night my son came through the living room while staring at his phone and simply walked out the front door. For the next half hour I caught glimpses of him wandering around the neighborhood, with his face welded to his phone. I thought, “Ok, well, the family insanity gene skipped my generation but showed up in my child.” I began Googling to see what I had to do to have him institutionalized. I found some interesting sites, but none of them condoned or even mentioned the need to taze your child. I’ve always wanted to use one.

As it turns out, he was playing something called Pokemon GO. Wikipedia says that it is a “free-to-play, GPS-based augmented reality mobile game…(that) allows players to capture, battle, and train virtual Pokemon who appear throughout the real world.”

There is nothing new about this. In my day we called that sort of thing LSD. Augmented reality was a lot cooler back then, I believe. Imagine playing the game while under the influence of LSD. People would be running around screaming, claiming to be chased by tiny monsters. Goodbye to good trips, folks.

I predict that this game is going to spread like wild fire, and will eventually prove to be calamitous. You think distracted driving is a problem now, wait until millions of Pokemon hunters cruise around with their nose buried in their smart phone. God help those other millions of players on foot. I can see accidental swimming pool incidents; I can see some trigger happy home owner who sees dozens of strangers roaming around his yard like zombies, and decides to go Pokemon hunter hunting. I can see – wait, let me just make a list of things that can, and will, go wrong because of Pokemon GO:

Someone will:

step in front of a moving vehicle;

fall into a fountain;

get robbed;

walk off a cliff;

get into a fight over the same Pokemon;

wreck their car;

get stuck in a drain pipe;

temporarily forget reality;

permanently forget reality;

fly into a rage when their smart phone battery runs out of juice;

go outside naked;

make a terrible witness to a crime;

develop what will be called ‘Pokemon neck syndrome’;

be late for their wedding;

become constipated;

miss the first episode of next season’s Walking Dead;

accidentally vote for Hillary;

create a music video about it;

write a blog about it;

go crazy;

find that they made a wrong turn in Albuquerque;

become addicted;

get sidetracked on the way to a court appointed Pokemon GO Anonymous meeting;

be mistaken as a deer by some hunter;

find themselves in a drug deal gone bad;

starve to death;

be the first person to walk across the country playing Pokemon GO;

be the first person to play Pokemon GO in every state;

get attacked by wild dogs;

get involved in a class action lawsuit against the makers of Pokemon GO;

step on a landmine;

walk into a stranger’s house;

become incontinent;

dream of finding a Pokemon;

have a nightmare about a Pokemon;

create a Pokemon GO dance;

discover cheat codes;

wander off the reservation;

hop the White House fence just to get a Pokemon;

choose the game over sex;

spark an international incident.


I’m sure there will be all kinds of interesting anecdotal stories to come, but I won’t provide the world with one. I’m too busy trying to beat the Pinball Wizard.

1 Comment

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One response to “Pokemon GO, GOING, GONE

  1. Pingback: Pokemon GO, GOING, GONE | jaytharding

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