I woke up this morning at 3 A.M. – well, that’s actually not correct – my stinkin’ BLADDER woke me up in the middle of the night, and I shuffled to the bathroom. Now, at that time of night my eyes are completely adjusted to the dark so I don’t bother turning the bathroom light on when I do my business. Afterwards as I left the toilet, I slipped on something wet and almost fell. Somebody doesn’t know how to aim right. But that got me thinking. If I can go to the bathroom in the dark, I wonder what else could be done in the absence of light? I stumbled to my desk and wrote down the title of today’s article so it wouldn’t be forgotten and then went back to bed. I think some of my absolute best ideas come in the middle of the night, but they get lost in my dreams if I don’t jot them down. I used to keep a notepad next to my side of the bed at night for such things, but discovered that in the light of day my notes looked like they were a combination of Chinese and Sanskrit. I even tried a tape recorder for awhile, but when I’d listen to it in the morning all I could hear was faint whispering. I guess either my voice is sleeping somewhere else at night, or I’m so afraid of waking up my wife I’m paralyzed with fear and can’t speak. So whenever my bladder drags me out of bed, or if an awesome idea snaps me awake, I make myself go to the desk and write it down. It seems those few steps improve my penmanship, but I have no clue why. Take notice, all you eggheads. I just gave you fodder for another scientific study. I’ll take my usual 15% finder’s fee.
But now that the morning is here in full force and I’ve had my customary cup of coffee, I have no idea what I was thinking about when I wrote that title. What in the heck can you do in the dark when you’re bored? I’ll have to do some serious pondering. Um… the first thing that comes to mind is naughty, but I’d have to know where the crochet hook is in the dark first. Then try finding a cat without turning on the lights. I don’t care if your eyes ARE fully adjusted, it’s practically impossible to capture a crochet hook-hating cat in the dark. It’s hard enough to pull off in the daylight, so good luck at 3 in the morning. But I can’t believe I’m actually talking about cat sex again. I need to up my dosage.
Whenever I’m truly bored I tend to eat, so I suppose something I could do in the dark is fix a meal. The fridge has to be off limits because the little light that comes on when you open the door will not only temporarily destroy your night vision, it takes all the fun out of the challenge. That leaves either canned food or Ramen noodles. I don’t care how good your eyes are in the dark, unless you’re OCD and know exactly where you place every can in the pantry, you’re going to pretty much be playing the roulette wheel with food. There’s nothing like canned brussels sprouts at 3 in the morning. I cooked up a can of Alpo once in the dark. Now I wish I had used a candle. Dog food is so much better, and more romantic, in candle light.
If you find yourself up at the wee hours of the morning and nothing to do, try putting a puzzle together. It’s easier than you think, especially with a pair of scissors on hand. Speaking of scissors, you could give someone in the house a haircut while they’re sleeping. Try to avoid waterbeds, though. Trust me on that. One thing I do very well in the dark, and you can try this at home yourself, is to find out exactly where all the sharp edges of the furniture are with your big toe. You certainly won’t be bored for long! How about shaving your body hair with no lights on? Make sure you know where the Band-Aids are, by the way. If two or more of you happen to be awake and bored in a dark house, there’s always Blind Man’s Bluff. You can spice it up with grilling skewers, too, if you’re really bored. Just don’t tell the others. They’ll find out soon enough. Washing dishes in the dark is fun and rewarding, too, especially if you don’t mind random chunks of dried food on your plates in the morning. Just scrape them off, they’ll be fine.
Wow. Now that my mind is lubricated, I can think of billions of things to do in the dark. But then it hits me: don’t blind people (I refuse to use the PC term because it sounds so stupid) go around doing everything in the dark all the time anyway? That just knocked the wind out of my sails. I have a friend – a neighbor, actually – who is blind, and it gave me an idea. The next time I’m up at 3 in the morning with nothing to do, I think I’ll sneak over to his place and rearrange his furniture. I promise you his big toe won’t be bored when he wakes up!
Again, I need to up my dosage. Here, kitty kitty! Daddy wants to show you his grilling skewer!