Monthly Archives: December 2015

12-28-15 Diets for the New Years Resoluter


Every year people are making New Years Resolutions as if it actually means anything. Oh, I won’t begrudge someone’s sincere intentions, but what is it about January 1st that empowers folks to make promises they wouldn’t make any other time of the year? Personally, I believe this whole resolution-making thing is nothing more than a vast left-wing conspiracy to humiliate and disparage the population. Maybe it’s the right-wingers. Perhaps it’s both. In any case, the only thing that’s going to fly is your promises right out the window.

Now to be fair, some actually keep their resolutions. They represent the human being’s propensity to defy us naysayers. You know who those guys are. They’re the ones you can manipulate by being oppositional. Whatever they propose to undertake, tell them emphatically and with great certainty that they will fail. Then silently cheer them on as they prove you wrong. Great manipulators can make people do things they would never ordinarily do, just by telling them they should not or would not do. The only difference between oppositional manipulators and politicians is that the politician will promise to give you everything you want and need – until they get reelected.

But I’m not writing today to throw a wet blanket over your New Year’s Resolution. Who knows? You may be that one in a billion who actually sticks to it all year. Let me know how that goes, huh? But I’m actually here to give you some great ideas on losing weight, because next to making resolutions to quit smoking and swearing off of Facebook, the desire to get rid of all those extra pounds is pretty popular. If you’re adamant on giving it the old college try for the New Year, listen up. I’ve consulted the greatest minds in the world and compiled some surefire diets that are guaranteed to make those fat pockets take up residence elsewhere. By the way, you have probably figured this out by now, but fat doesn’t really disappear. It finds another victim – usually someone living with the dieter. How many times have you heard of a married person losing thirty pounds, only to be discovered within days on the body of their spouse? Doctors really should stick a morbidly obese person in an anorexic treatment center and then put the fatty on a power diet. Again, why do I have to be the one coming up with all the great ideas? Is there any way to get compensated?

So with all that being said, let me give you the top 10 great ideas on how to lose weight. I truly and sincerely hope you find one that works for you, and am confidant that if you stick to one of them, you will succeed.

      1. THE PLACENTA DIET: Yep, that’s what it is. Just like the guy with the magic mushrooms says, don’t knock it if you ain’t tried it. Placentas are rich in all sorts of great nutrients. It can be encapsulated and taken as a pill, turned into a tasty slushie, made into edible treats or simply fried, baked, broiled or crocked. I promise you just thinking about going on a placenta diet will make those pounds run away screaming. I recommend the book “25 Placenta Recipes” by Robin Cook. Personally, I like my placentas right out of the womb. It’s kind of like eating a large Arby’s Beef and Cheddar with extra everything. If the visual makes you want to throw up, go ahead. Let the toilet absorb those unwanted pounds.
      1. THE GANDHI DIET: Probably the most efficient way to lose weight, especially if you’re not in a hurry. If you don’t know who Gandhi was, I’ll tell you. He was this really smart, very skinny guy living in India a few decades ago who helped end religious and political violence by telling everyone that he wasn’t going to eat until the fighting stopped. Some people were like “Hey, one less mouth to feed,” but most others started feeling guilty as they watched him waste away until he was as light as a hummingbird. He was so well loved both sides of the conflict gave up fighting – at least until he had put a good thirty pounds back on, then they were after each other again. Just announce to your friends and family that you won’t taste another morsel of food until all the brutality and bloodshed stops. I promise you the weight will just slide off in search of someone with a weaker will.
      1. THE SURVIVOR DIET: If you’re a TV junkie like me, you’re well aware of that reality show Survivor. That’s where they put a bunch of people in the middle of some jungle island, give them nothing but rice to eat and make them go through intensely physical competitions for things like a piece of flint or a tarp or a native massage, and for immunity, which means the winner can’t be voted off the island until the next draining contest two days later. You should see the last three players after 39 days. You would swear they had been liberated from Auschwitz. Apply for the show if you’re serious about losing weight. Who knows, you might even win the million dollar prize – which you should immediately give to some poor schmuck (like me) because you know one million dollars can buy a LOT of cookies and ice cream.
      1. THE VINEGAR DIET: This is an actual diet concocted by the 18th century poet Lord Byron who actually made it quite popular in the 1820s. All you have to do is drink plenty of vinegar (you can mix it with water, thank God) daily. The only side effect is vomiting and diarrhea. There ya go.
      1. THE MASTICATION DIET: This is one of my favorite diets. It’s really quite simple. You can eat anything you want – just don’t swallow it. The diet’s motto is “Nature will castigate those who don’t masticate.” According to the diet’s logic, your body will absorb the nutrients it needs without packing on the pounds. This diet works best if you have a partner who is dieting also, because you both can participate in the BABY BIRD DIET, in which you chew your food without swallowing it, and then spit it out into the other dieter’s mouth. The recipient of the masticated food can swallow it, as all the nasty fat and carbs have been thoroughly spooged on, rendering it safe to eat.
      1. THE REVERSE ENEMA DIET: You can find plenty of YouTube videos illustrating the technique of this diet. Basically, it involves shoving food up your butt and then holding it there for about half an hour to absorb all the good stuff. I would not recommend having someone try the BABY BIRD DIET in conjunction with this, although it is possible. I find that the REVERSE ENEMA DIET works best if you debone your meat, decob your corn and slice your fruit pretty thin. I’ve known people who puree their food before indulging in this diet, and I really think this is the best way to go.
      1. THE SLEEPING BEAUTY DIET: It’s difficult to eat when you’re sleeping, so this is a wonderful diet for the more laid-back among us. The King of Rock, Elvis, actually swore by this diet. It helps tremendously if you heavily sedate yourself. The only trick is to not wake up until you’ve reached your weight loss goal. I promise you if you awaken during this diet you will eat furniture if need be. Sleep well, and set your alarm for a size 2.
      1. THE APPLICATION DIET: This diet is actually the brainchild of my very own child Andy, who isn’t actually a child, but is indeed a brain. Chip off the ole block. The only thing you’ll need is a goodly supply of duct tape. Prepare a meal – the more decadent the better – and instead of eating it, just tape it to your abdomen, thighs and upper arms. I mean, think about it. That’s where your food will end up anyway, right?If you have a waddle, you can tape your dinner there as well. Andy loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and loves them taped to his butt cheeks even better. I’m not sure of the actual logistics of this type of diet, but would imagine you would have to take off the last meal before applying the next meal. If you are the hirsute sort, I would probably suggest you stay away from this one.
      1. THE COTTON BALL DIET: Believe it or not, the COTTON BALL DIET is legitimate. Who needs real food when you can chow down on zero-calorie cotton balls? Most folks eat them dry, but I recommend dipping them in water or gelatin. You can absolutely stuff yourself with them, and they will naturally reduce your desire to eat fattening foods. They are extremely high in fiber, also. This diet won’t work if you soak them in barbecue sauce or Mountain Dew. Diet Mountain Dew is fine, though. Just do it. If you’re on this diet and have to poop while in public, don’t flush the remains. The next person at the toilet will be amazed.
      1. THE TAPEWORM DIET: I saved this diet for last because it is so special. I know folks who swear by this diet. They are the swearing sort anyway, but I won’t hold it against them. All you have to do is eat a tapeworm (don’t chew because you need it to live) and let it grow in your body. The tapeworm will attach itself to your intestines and absorb nutrients from the food you eat. Feel free to eat anything, by the way. Once the tapeworm grows so large that it begins sticking it’s head out your anus, just grab it and yank it out. Advocates of the TAPEWORM DIET swear that you will lose 2-3 pounds per week using this method. Here is an actual advertisement for the TAPEWORM DIET: fatbanished

If you are serious about keeping your New Years Resolution to lose weight, you’ll try one or more of these diets. I don’t want to hear about you falling off the wagon or wimping out. Only skinny people have that option.

Bon appetit!

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When You Absolutely, Positively Can’t Go Outside

mail slot

I’ve been meaning to write an article on the ethics and etiquette of sleeping with your pets, er I mean your pets sleeping in the same bed as you, but due to an overwhelming amount of email demanding I write another humorous article (ok, it was some lady in Wisconsin that messaged me on Facebook, and there ain’t nothing funny about a cold, wet nose touching your lower back at 2 o’clock in the morning), I’ve decided to reveal my humanitarian side and offer up some unique jobs for those poor souls afflicted with agoraphobia.

I have to admit that I’ve heard the term agoraphobia before but have been too embarrassed to ask what it means. I seriously thought it was an irrational fear of being stabbed by a bull. Either that or a fear of rabbit fur. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it means fear of leaving one’s house. I used to get agoraphobia whenever I couldn’t pay the paperboy, or back in the day whenever there was a warrant out on me. I’d get it BAD. But I’ve learned that some people really have a serious condition in which they are terrified of leaving their home. I mean for like DAYS and DAYS and WEEKS and MONTHS and YEARS and – well, I don’t know about decades. I just can’t imagine someone going a whole decade without going to a Chinese buffet. I mean, come on.

But I got to thinking about how terrible it must be to be stuck in your house 24/7 without any real means of making an income. In the old days shut-ins (that’s what we used to call agoraphobics back then) were consigned to stuffing envelopes or transcribing dictation. Now with the advent of the internet, the world is their oyster. One BIG oyster that’s clammed shut to prevent people from spinning off into outer space. However, I’m not going to bore you with the obvious jobs an agoraphobe can do nowadays, like sex modeling online, or selling homemade pot holders through Ebay, or data entry or anything of that sort. I’ve thought long and hard about some fascinating new income generating ideas, and would like to throw them by you.

If you’re an agoraphobe looking for income, you can:

Teach sign language to the blind via Skype.

Hire yourself out as a party clown – except the party has to come to you.

Put a sign up that says “Fake Psychiatrist” but make the word “Fake” minuscule.

Be a professional curmudgeon that specializes in passing on bad news.

Eat ALOT of beans and sell your farts as a low-cost conventional energy source.

Be a Tech support specialist that wears cheerleading outfits and pom-poms.

Be a pet psychic that can also channel dead critters.

Subcontract with Charmin as a toilet paper roller.

Teach piano lessons from home (no need to be a pianist, as your students know less than you)

Babysit the dead.

Call in sick for the weak-minded.

Give air guitar lessons. Well, I mean sell them.

Provide alibis by the minute.

Sell clean urine, fecal and hair follicle samples. (That means NO partying)

There are a host of other things you can do to make a buck here or there, like harvest your organs, or better yet, offer free housing to undocumented workers (illegal aliens) and harvest THEIR organs. Who’s going to know? If you’re the more spiritual sort, tithe.

I hope I’ve been able to help some of you who just can’t seem to make it outside. If you need me to get anything at the store for you, I charge by the mile and item. Delivering it to you in Speedos and a sombrero is free.

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