Yet Another Research Debacle Regarding Cats

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There’s this doctor going around telling everyone that to cats, human beings are considered bigger cats. Puleeze. I wrote an article years ago called The Cat’s Meow that pretty much put the subject to rest. We are nothing more than minions created to do their bidding. They don’t consider us big cats at all. I asked my kitty Mr. Jack if he thought I was a big cat and now every time he sees me he laughs. It’s not easy getting a cat to laugh. It sounds like the combination of a lawnmower in sand and passing a kidney stone the size of New Jersey. It still doesn’t stop him from sitting in my cereal box, either.

I first came across this guy, an Anthrozoologist by the name of John Bradshaw (I am impressed by his title, even if it does sound made up), yesterday when I came across a magazine article written by Chelsea Karnash entitled “Research Claims Your Cat Thinks You’re Just Another (Big!) Cat.” Now, if the article is an Op-Ed all is forgiven, but if Dr. Bradshaw sanctioned it, we have issues. It seems he wrote a book – Cat Sense – in which he states that cats “tend to think of humans as big, lazy, overgrown fellow cats”. Jack says I am indeed big (he used the word ‘morbidly obese’ which I’m taking to mean ‘big’ – he’s too smart for his own good, I think) and lazy, but I am definitely NOT a fellow cat. He’s pointing to pictures of lions and tigers right now for some reason, then looking at me and laughing. Please make him stop.

Dr. Bradshaw obviously hasn’t gone into the mind and soul of a cat like I have. Among felines I am known as “Catmando.” I’m providing a link to the article I wrote of the same name. Some say it’s the most disturbing piece of writing they’ve ever experienced. I tend to agree. Let’s just say my reputation precedes me. If the good doctor has bothered to understand the cat language (catese), he would have no doubt heard of me. Obviously he hasn’t, so I won’t hold his 30 years of research against him, although as it turn out, was a total waste of time. He just doesn’t know squat about cats.

For instance, he states that cats were never bred for companionship. First of all, it implies someone forgot to put the ‘play-well-with-others’ gene in the cat. This is downright insulting. Cats consider themselves perfect beings who were created to lord over the entire world. The Egyptians had a rudimentary understanding of this, but now the only ones who truly grasp the truth of catkind’s superiority are considered outcasts in society. They are found in the ranks of those who own five or more cats. The ‘Cat Lady’ will tell you right away that she is their willing slave. Cat’s aren’t looking for companionship. They seek world domination.

Dr. Bradshaw’s lack of insight is no more evident than when he claims that “when a cat rubs against you with its tail straight in the air, it is checking to make sure you are not hostile.” Pure malarkey. Whenever a cat rubs against you, he is actually drooling on your leg and marking you as his chattel. Do you suppose your kitty is making sure a table leg is not hostile when he rubs against it?  He’s just laying claim. As I write this Jack has gotten in front of the monitor and is licking his butthole with one leg stuck up in the air, and I have to distort myself just to see.  He’s reminding me that whenever his tail is straight up, he’s telling me to do what he’s doing right now. There are some places I won’t go, and that’s one of them. Now, maybe if I could reach my own…

I’m sure Dr. Bradshaw’s book “Cat Sense” will be a smash hit – anything cat related is big these days – but don’t be fooled by all the technobabble. If there is a cat living in your home, he is your Master, and he allows you to share his space only so you can serve him. Don’t tell your kitty that you’re just a bigger version of him. When he stops laughing he’ll pretend your coffee cup is a litter box when you’re not looking. You won’t know it until you get to the bottom, because cat poop doesn’t float. Now be a good slave and bring out the catnip. It’s time to make the Boss happy.

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