Sleeping on the Job

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There is this guy – a burglar – in Santa Ana California who went to sleep while robbing a couple.  He really needs to get a real job, because I don’t think he’s cut out to be a thief. Maybe he could work for Sealy as a mattress tester .  How tired does a guy have to be? He was thinking “The open window is right in front of me, and I’ve got this bag of stuff, but I think I’ll take a little nap first.” Yeah. He must have had a little too much of Puff the Magic Dragon, if you know what I mean. I wonder if he raided the fridge first. I always get drowsy after a big meal.

I think it takes a pretty brave person to break into somebody’s home while they’re in it. I’d probably crap myself. My gut is rumbling right now just thinking about doing something like that. My neighbor went on a weeklong vacation once, gave me her house key, and asked me to put her daily mail on the kitchen counter. I felt nervous just going in there every day. I mean, I wasn’t able to steal more than a couple pieces of silverware and a “Fiddler on the Roof” DVD (great movie, btw) without having an acute attack of IBS, and she was thousands of miles away in Hawaii! I just don’t know how burglars can muster the courage needed to pull off a job. This guy in Santa Ana must have nerves of steel!

The most interesting part of this story is that when the homeowner woke up next to his wife the next morning, he found this thief at the foot of his bed sleeping. The burglar actually decided to go to sleep on the victim’s bed! He doesn’t have nerves of steel; that guy must have Kevlar cojones! Ok, I admit, the fellow was obviously missing a large portion of his brain. I would have been happy on the couch. Who wants to smell feet all night? The man of the house said he recognized the thief as someone from the neighborhood. Well, that explains everything. The burglar obviously felt comfortable enough to sleep with people he knew from the block. The story doesn’t say whether the homeowner’s wife was awakened. Probably for the best that she just be allowed to sleep through the whole thing. Who wants to hear a woman screaming her guts out first thing in the morning?

The victim chased the thief out of his house, but he didn’t call the police right away. You see, that right there sounds fishy to me. Maybe he’s had other neighbors over for the night. But then, he hadn’t had his first cup of coffee yet. I can barely function without my morning coffee. The article says it wasn’t until a few hours later that the homeowner realized some of his property was missing. Had he been able to get a cup of coffee into his system, he might have noticed the large pillowcase in the thief’s hands as he chased the guy out if his house. Ok, so when he realizes the sleepy bandit stole some of his stuff, does he call the police then? Nope. That means the thief probably took something the homeowner didn’t want the cops to see, like his three foot tall glass bong, his collection of WWII grenades or his Middle Eastern sex doll that blows herself up. You’ve got to be discrete sometimes.  Instead, he went to Rip Van Winkle’s place, confronted the thief and retrieved his stuff. THEN he called the cops. Smart move, finally.

Here’s what the police statement said: “The suspect … admitted to seeing the window in the house open and decided no one was home and went in to see what he could steal,” the statement said. Ortega “said he was crawling out of the house with the property and must have fallen asleep.” Forget about what I said regarding the burglar’s courage. He was just stoned stupid. He was too high to make it out the window.  He had to have been under the influence of some serious ganja.

I just thought of something brilliant. This story could be used as proof that smoking pot reduces crime. Encourage criminals to smoke marijuana and they’ll spend all their time playing video games, watching cartoons and raiding the fridge. If they try to commit a felony, they won’t be able to stay awake long enough to pull it off. I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Thank goodness, too. My bowels were in an uproar earlier. Now they just lay around listening to Bob Marley.

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