A Lot of Bull

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There’s a story out of Denmark that dead cows are washing up on the beaches of their country and Sweden. They admit to being baffled by it. Some folks guess they might have been tossed from a livestock ship (until now I never imagined cows in a boat – well, not since Noah), but I don’t believe it for a second. After all, those kinds of ships have LIVE stock. These bovines were dead, and I think they were murdered, because I know for a fact cows can swim. I used to watch westerns when I was young. Those cowboys sure liked to make cows swim across rivers. Maybe that’s how cows take a bath. I mean, you can hardly find a shower big enough for one.

I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here. According to the article, most of the cows had their hind legs bound together, which prevented them from swimming. My original reaction to learning about this was to wonder why they didn’t just dog paddle. Stupid, right? Der. They’re not dogs. I mean, they’d have to be trained, and I don’t think their killers wanted to take the time to do it. I think the cows were deliberately killed. And I’m pretty sure I know who’s behind it. The article says the cows were black and white Holsteins. That happens to be the very same type of cow that Chik-fil-A uses in their commercials. You know, the ones that hold signs that say “Eat More Chikin.” That narrows my suspicions down to two possibilities. Either chicken assassins snuffed the cows as a warning to Chik-fil-A to back off the wholesale slaughter of their kind, or it was a not-so-subtle message by the beef industry to intimidate the cows working for Chik-fil-A to quit or else next time it will be their cow relatives. More chikin means less beef, and less beef means the chairman of the beef board doesn’t get to buy that leather couch he’s been wanting for ages.

It’s got to be the Beefers. Look what they did to Oprah. Everyone knows the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association is nothing more than a bunch of sirloin lovers gone bad. They have a long history of violence. They’re the ones that invented T-boning a car. They roasted Dean Martin, for crying out loud.  The Chik-fil-A cows are probably seen as outright traitors to their inherited fate. According to the Beefers, that’s why God made cows: to be eaten. It’s pretty clear that the reason why these poor cows washed up on the shore of Sweden and Denmark. Both those countries are famous for their meatballs. Where do you think Italy gets all their meatballs from? If you’ve never heard of Swedish meatballs you’ve probably lived in a cave all your life. The Danes (Is that what you call the people of Denmark? I would have picked Denmarkies. Sounds friendlier.) are just as famous for their meatballs, too, but more so in Europe, South Africa and Asia. They call their meatballs Frikadellers, and even though they like to call them Denmark’s Most Closely Guarded Secret, the only people that don’t know about them are the average Joes in the US. The Chik-fil-A commercials have probably become so effective I bet the Frikadeller industry made a plea to the big Beefers to save them, and the result was a herd of cattle rotting on the beaches of Demark and Sweden.

Of course, if the Beefers had half a brain in their skulls, they’d realize it doesn’t do any good trying to intimidate the Chik-fil-A cows. They’ve got no sense for that kind of stuff. I can threaten a cow all day and it’ll just stand there chewing its cud. No, they should go after the restaurant itself. It wouldn’t be too hard to hurt their business. Just make fun of Chik-fil-A until they quit and go home. All they’d have to do is camp out in front of their headquarters in College Park, Georgia right outside of Atlanta and start chanting “CHICK-FILL-A WHAT? CAN’T YOU GUYS FINISH A SENTENCE?” It wouldn’t be long before they chicken out. They can’t stand someone having a beef with them.

I should be an international crime investigator. This one was too easy.

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