Lark Sitting and Other Idiomatic Adventures

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Have you ever done anything on a lark? I sure haven’t. I think I’d remember that. Are the birds so strong they can be ridden like a horse? Do you sit on their wing and pray? I’ve heard people say they did something ‘on a wing and a prayer’. I’d certainly pray the bird didn’t peck my eyes out for crushing it. The things we say without even thinking of it are usually so absurd it’s a wonder anyone can understand us at all. I don’t know about any other language, but American English has more unusual sayings than any other language I know. See what I mean? It’s enough to make a fellow pull his hair out. I’d like to see that one.

I wonder if anyone has ever actually traded their arm and a leg for something. I wouldn’t care to see that one unless it was in 3D. What about all those couples that want to paint the town red? Do they have any idea how much time and effort is involved in such an undertaking? Why would they even want to do such a thing? Then there are those who actually bark up the wrong tree. I can’t even wrap my mind around that one. That’s another example: wrapping your mind around something. If you can do it, take a picture or video. I’m sure it will go viral, but I’m not confident you won’t catch a cold doing it. Egads! They’re everywhere! Remind me next time to dodge a cold.

I want to know how a large quantity of money can soil a guy. I mean, there are those who are filthy rich, right? You’d think they could afford a shower. Speaking of getting clean, I want to know what exactly comes out in the wash. Perhaps a whistle, if it’s clean enough. I met a man once who had an axe to grind with me. I told him I didn’t own an axe, and if was going to act that way, I wouldn’t help him find a grinder, who happens to be my neighbor across the street who grinds his teeth every night. I’m sure they could work something out. Perhaps that fellow can find a hatchet to bury while he’s at it.

One time I asked a doctor about a new medication and he said the jury was still out. That just made me suspicious of it. I know it’s suppose to be innocent until proven guilty, but how did it get in that jam to begin with, and was it grape or strawberry? If it’s being tried by a kangaroo court, I hope the defense attorney brings plenty of Purina Kangaroo Chow. But they may very well opt for the jam. I know I would. Even if there is a pill in it.

Nobody likes it when you spill the beans, except the dog. That reminds me of a lady who said she worked like a dog. I could imagine her sitting around all day scratching fleas and chasing a ball. You want to keep your pooch inside, too. I hear it’s a dog eat dog world out there. All this word chasing is making me sick as a dog. I’ve seen my dog sick, and it doesn’t look like fun. I hope I don’t throw up on any larks. I heard their feathers stick together.

There really is no end to this nonsense, is there? I’ve had it up to here, wherever that is…

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