Reading Between the Lines

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The other day I read a news story about a Russian man who changed a few conditions within the small print of a credit card and then sued when they broke the contract. Brilliant! That got me to thinking, and I believe I am going to open up a brand new occupation in the job market. I am now officially the world’s first and only Small Print Editor. Don’t even get the slightest idea of moving in on my territory. The UN has already sanctioned me to be the only one; they signed the declaration yesterday. Of course, they didn’t know this is what they were signing because they didn’t read the small print. Now I’m for hire, UN. My company is called PUTZ (Print Underwriting Translation Zone).

Everyone on the planet agrees to the conditions of small print without having the first idea what it is they’re agreeing to. Electronics, property, vehicles, appliances, even items bought off the shelf in your local grocery store. Reader, you are being bamboozled at every turn. It won’t do you any good to start reading the fine print either, because it’s so steeped in legal mumbo jumbo that your brains will automatically explode. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor and sign up with my Small Print Service. For only ten dollars a month I’ll not only read the small print of everything you’re interested in buying, but I’ll show you how you can stick it to the man by letting me edit it for you for just a small extra fee. You will save money up front, and then have the legal right to sue the manufacturer whenever you want. That’s the PUTZ guarantee!

I am uniquely qualified to take over your fine print needs. Having been married four times, I have the equivalent of three Doctorates in “Reading Between the Lines,” “Innuendo” and “Hidden Agendas.”  Along with my skills, I’ve developed a patented device – the Bodacious Print Magnifier – that is able to detect and highlight the smallest of print. You’ll never have to worry if you’re signing away custody of your firstborn child. You’ll never have shadowy figures knocking on your door at all hours of the night asking to use your bathroom. You’ll never take a can of sweet peas home again and then open it to find those cursed split peas. You’ll never have a warrantee mysteriously expire when your computer breaks down. You’ll never again pay for cable services or car insurance at a reasonable rate just to have them hike their prices on you after the first six months. All you have to do join PUTZ and your fine print problems are over.

Imagine signing a lease that gives you the power to miss ten months out of the year with no consequences! Imagine buying an older version of Windows and being able to upgrade the latest versions the rest of your life for free! Imagine signing for a credit card that allows you to borrow millions without ever having to pay it back! All you have to do is become a PUTZ, and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. As I’ve mentioned before, the complete package is only ten dollars a month. No more sweating over the details. Just leave it to me! Follow the link to my site and fill out the easy contract! Once you give your electronic signature (located below the small print), you can sit back, relax, and let me take over your purchases and finances. Life will be so easy, you’ll be amazed! So, the next time you buy something, let a PUTZ take care of the small print hassle!

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