On Finiteness


You may not know this, but we all have a finite number of times we can do anything. Take breathing for example. You inhale and exhale for years and years, hardly ever thinking about it until one day when you run out of breaths, and then you wished you could have conserved your breathing more when you were young.  Talk about getting out of breath. It’s this way with everything. Trust me.

When my sons began experimenting with touching themselves (I’m keeping it clean, folks, and if you know me you understand how difficult that can be), when they first discovered multiple uses for their skin flute, I tried to warn them by saying “You only have so many times you can do that, so use it wisely.”  Did they listen to their old man? I tried warning them. I now have a 27 year old son who cannot for the life of him choke his chicken any more. 

Some philosopher said “You cannot step in the same water twice.” I’ve been trying my whole life to prove him wrong, but I think I’ll have to give up one of these days, especially before my quota of stamping water runs out. That’s the whole thing about finiteness. The number of times we are allowed to do anything is usually different with each of us, but some things we only get once. Consider youth. One day, if you haven’t run out of days, you’ll look in the mirror and discover your youth has slipped out the back door with your teeth and hair. Happens to us all if we get old enough. Another thing we only get one of is virginity. Use it and you lose it, simple as that.  Now, don’t become hopeful that if you lose your virginity you can find it again. Some things stay lost.  You only get one phone call when you’re arrested, too. So if you’re considering a life of crime, make that one phone call count.

Face it, everything is finite. Even though some things seem to last forever, they really don’t. One of these days you’re going to listen to your favorite album for the umpteenth time, and something inside of you will start screaming “ENOUGH!” You only get to look at the moon so many times. I know this woman who ran out of moon sightings a couple of years ago. I can stand right next to her at night with the full moon so big you can see the man on the moon’s pimples, I can point it out to her and she’ll get this puzzled look on her face as she stares up to the sky and say “What moon? Where is it?”  Poor lady. There’s this fellow in Australia who ran out of blinks. I read that he has to manually open and close his eyelids with his fingers. Imagine what would happen if you use up all your bowel movements. You would only be good for a life in politics, then.

The reason why I’ve brought up this subject is so that you’ll realize how precious everything you do is. Be grateful when your bladder gets full and you’re able to relieve yourself. Rejoice every time you get your mail, because there are not too many things sadder than running out of it. Oh, you think you could do without junk mail? Run out of toilet paper and see how quickly you’ll miss that Fingerhut catalogue. Cherish the moments you get with your little ones, because one fine day you’ll realize the baby has turned into a demon-possessed teenager. Pray that your significant other uses up their farts. Be relieved that I’ve only got so many words on the subject, and I’m running out of them quickly. Most of all, be prudent in all that you do. You never know when your next breath will be your last. I just hope for your sake that your last breath doesn’t smell like a locker room.

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