I know a young fellow named Art
Who squirted the wettest of farts.
His soiled underwear
Had such vision and flair
That Art turned his farts into art!
Admit it. We all love a robust discussion about farts. Oh, there are some of you pretending to be Puritans, with your eyebrows raised, your mouth in an ‘O’ and your hand in front of it. That’s the same reaction you have when you expel flatus from your anus, especially if it is sudden, extremely loud and odoriferous. So don’t look all spiritual at the screen; everyone from Adam to Obama farts. Mother Theresa farted. The Dalai Lama farts. The Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed and Billy Graham farted. Al Capone, Hitler, Alexander the Great, John F. Kennedy and Genghis Khan farted, along with all the Pharaohs, the Kings and Queens of England and Henry Ford. It’s a way of life. If farting is as common as breathing (but I would advise breathing before you fart – the other way around can be kind of tricky), we should be able to talk openly about it. That last sentence is primarily aimed at women, because the vast majority of men talk about it all the time. As a matter of fact, 86% of all conversations between men include at least one mention of passing gas. You ladies may be talking about farts in your little nose-powdering sessions in restaurant and bar bathrooms, but you’re not admitting it. So let’s get the subject out in the open, why don’t we? (but first, let’s move upwind of each other – not a small task to accomplish in person)
Did you know that the average person farts around ten times a day? I personally let ‘er rip between 90 and 100 times a day, and I’m proud of it, especially since almost all of them smell like I’ve got my own personal body farm shoved up my butt. If you and I are in line at Burger King and I fart, don’t be embarrassed if when the smell starts causing customers to panic and bolt for the doors I’ll shout out “OH, THAT’S NASTY! WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN A PUBLIC PLACE?” and then point at you like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If we’re in private, however, I’ll say something right before the smell hits like “How do you like my new aftershave?” or “I think I saw something crawl under your chair that looked just like a skunk!” My favorite places to fart are elevators and movie theater lobbies, but my dream is to fart as I’m being greeted by a world leader. “Welcome to the United States, Mr. Prime Minister.” Welcome indeed.
I uncovered quite a few educational facts about flatulence that I’d like to share with you. If you seek a really stinky fart, eat plenty of cauliflower and eggs, but if you’re just going for the sheer number, you can consume the old standard by ingesting large quantities of beans. They are good for healthier cardiac functions, too. You know the old ditty: “Beans beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you fart.” I still recite that in my head every time I see beans on the menu. My grandmother told me once that if you roll lima beans across the floor before you cook them it will take all the farts out of it. I only get gritty lima beans with all the farts still intact when I try.
I think that if you just understand that farting is a natural body function (it is only a turd honking for the right of way) and that we all do it (Confucius say ‘Man who fart in church sit in own pew’), you will be less embarrassed when the inevitable happens. You know you’re in a committed relationship when your significant other toots their butt horn in your presence. That’s why I always farted on second dates.
One more ditty about farts before I go with the wind: trumpet players make the most melodious farts on the planet, second only to the Chlorestas Notatus, commonly called the Blue-Chinned Sapphire Hummingbird of South America. The sound they make when they fart will make you weep with joy.